In other news a stupid jerkoff jerkface cop gave me a ticket today for rollerskating in the street – and I’m not even doing cool tricks or damaging property, just using it as a way of transportation. The guy tells me “it’s dangerous, there are drunk drivers at this time of night” – so he gives ME a ticket because there are drunk drivers on the street! Since I’m a very mature person and a great artist I drew this dramatization of the situation.

At first I found it amusing, but then I realized ranking so high on this query might in fact be endangering innocent women. Women who are frantically trying to google a way out of their unfortunate situation only to end up on a totally irrelevant post about a woman and her kazoo.

Having at heart the safety of women, I decided to do an extensive research on the subject (mainly by googling “saving a hot dog up a girl’s pussy”) and present my groundbreaking work here.

Before starting, here are a few things people recommend you shouldn’t do:

Do not use a steak knife: In general people seem strongly opposed that idea, most likely because the ratio of atrocious pain to hot dog removal is not very appealing to the woman involved.

Do not push it further inside: In most cases, pushing it further in makes it harder to retrieve.

Do not ask your dad/uncle/grandfather to remove it: You’re probably better off just keeping the hot dog there than dealing with the emotional scarring of having a male sibling helping you out.

Now that you know what not to do, here are the proper way taking care of it:

1. Squat and Push Squat with your legs apart and push with your insides. 2. Use Chopsticks Chopsticks are longer and slimmer than regular fingers so you can reach deeper and have less of a chance to push it further. 3. Pour down lube Just add tons of lube so as to make it easier to go out, then you can try the squat and push method. 4. Jump up and down with legs apart Keep your legs as apart as possible while you jump and land on your heels to give that hot dog the maximum amount of force. 5. Go to hospital If everything else fails, go to the hospital, have it removed, then change your name and move away as far as possible.

Notice the guy at about 1:00 – he looks like that’s not the first time that happens to him.

By the way, I’ve added the digg button cause I’m so desperate to retire out of this crap site but I’m switching to reddit cause I hate that stupid toolbar. If you’re a toolbar fanboy, feel free to leave hateful comments and subscribe to my blog so you can check out later if I acknowledged your comment.

[edit: WTF happened to the stupid toolbar? I just went on digg and it's not there anymore, that just ruined my whole rant about the toolbar! Damn you digg, always so attentive to my needs.]

So what’s the difference between Palin and a pit bull? Apparently I was a fool to think that one is a vicious dog known for ripping children faces off and the other one a terrible running mate choice for a terrible presidential candidate. The right answer is lipstick! Of course! I only heard it twenty billion times per day for two weeks now.

Anyway, upon further investigation it appears to me that this joke actually has some truth to it! I’ve prepared this little image to illustrate my point:

*How do you like the Obama head in there? I like it!

To come back to McCain-Palin. As much as I hate myself writing this, I must say I admire the Republicans. To me it seems that the Republicans are trying, and succeeding, to prove to the world that they can make the American people buy whatever they say. I truly believe they found it too easy with Bush four years ago and now they are trying to make things a bit more challenging.

No other party in the world could pull off passing its 72 year old candidate of the same party in power for the past 8 years and who had mostly voted with those people in power for the last 8 years, as an agent of change! At this point I think they could show a cat on Fox News, call it a dog, and everyone would buy it – they could call it a friggin’ space rocket and there would be people getting ready for the launch. It’s just too easy, why else would they nominate as vice president a rightfully unknown small town mayor turned small state governor with a dangerously antiqued set of values and without any experience or knowledge on the economy and foreign relations, and who until two weeks ago was rightfully unknown and of little importance. A woman that up until recently didn’t even know what a vice president did.

I can only imagine the feeling of having so much power in my hands. I guess if I had the same power I would do the same: abuse it for my own personal gain. Who can blame them?

My anger being released, I fired up my obviously legitimate $649 copy of Photoshop and decided to get back at those people posting this pic by making a slightly different yet of similar taste picture.

This will show them!

Below is a lengthy explanation, mostly for humorous purposes but also for those of you who are morons:
This picture is funny because in both the name of the super hero “Flash” and the application “Flash” is “Flash” and if you don’t have the “Flash” application you get an error, such as the one in the bottom picture. Moreover, the background is black which might indicate that no camera flash was used when the picture was taken – although we all know it is not an actual picture taken with a camera.
Now that you understand this very subtle humoristic piece of art, you may roll on the floor laughing if you so desire.

Apparently cigarettes cause cancer but I guess cancer is a small price to pay for perfecting such an awesome variety act!

While on the “smoking” question, I do have a issue at the moment. Next week my girlfriend and I are going to Cuba for a weeklong vacation. Cuba is well known for their cigars… and cigars are well known for getting better taster after being temprarily stored into a… bagina. If Bill Clinton did it, so should I!

On one hand, I am fortunate enough to have access to a bagina – my girlfriend has one. On the other hand, I am quite unsure about the proper way to pop the question.

Part of me thinks I should just be straight forward: “Can I store this cigar in your bagina for a moment?”. The other part of me thinks I should beat around the bush until she gives in: “Hey darling girlfriend of mine, love of my life pretty princess…. can I put this cigar in your hot hot bagina?”

Video provided by the stupid morons at justforlaughs.com

How come no one ever bothered to tell me women could do that? And more importantly, why aren’t more women whistling with their baginas (I’ll use bagina instead of the “v” word just so I don’t get barred by the almighty Christian Search Engine ). Imagine the possibilities, and endless joke opportunities! Why in the world would women not take full advantage of such an awesome skill. Imagine if men could whistle with their benises – we would be whistling 24/7 every day! Benis symphonies would be composed, choruses, Olympic events… I guess it’s just in the nature of women, always doing everything they can not to use their bagina’s!

The other question this video arouses is: how probable is it that she could actually learn to talk with it at some point? Whistling isn’t that far from talking, if parrots can do it why not baginas? Although interesting this possiblity is very very scary. Just imagine what would happen to the world if all of the sudden, women would have TWO talking orifices!

So I’ve amassed incredible amounts of useful knowledge over my lifetime, one of the most interesting things I learned was that crocodiles have one of the strongest stomachs of the animal kingdom. Apparently they can digest almost anything, even bones and in some cases metal. It’s hard to believe, I know, but I’ve heard it on so many occasions it’s safe to consider it a proved fact.

So why would this information make Al Gore happy? I imagine you asking.

Strong-stomached crocodiles could be used to reduce our footprint on the environment, of course! I imagine myself answering.

According to my calculations, only 10 crocodiles per household would suffice to turn all that domestic waste into fertile crocodile poo which can then be used to grow trees. This way we solve four crisis’ at the same time: world deforestation, climate change, landfill overflowing and dwindling crocodile populations.

I know this sounds ridiculous… ridiculously genius that is!

i’ve prepared this little image to illustrate my point: