Weekly Meal Of Jokes And Observations To Steal

• I'm not vain, I'm way to handsome to be vain. #
• I'm so out of shape, I get tired from taking my breath. #

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Weekly Meal Of Jokes And Observations To Steal

• I want to force myself to write daily jokes so I figured a twitter account would in some stupid way force me to do so – until I abandon it. #
• Also all jokes here are free to be stolen by whoever feels like performing them. #
• My skin is so white, when someone takes a photo of me, they're the one blinded by the flash. #
• My boss is such a douche, he refuses to talk to you unless he's also talking to someone else on his bluetooth headset at the same time. #
• My father is so tall that he needs to crouch to put his own hat on. #
• I haven't worked in Hollywood for so long, I can't even remember the taste of cock. #
• I haven't worked in Hollywood for so long, I can't even remember what cock tastes like. #

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New Tweeeter Account Thingy

Today I finally caught up with twitter and here I am announcing a new twitter account weekly digest of daily jokes – that will make sense if you read the rest.

In another weak attempt to curb my unhealthy procrastinating tendencies, I’ve opened a twitter account where I will force myself to post at least one new joke per day. The account is @JokesToSteal so do subscribe NOW! I invite everyone to steal those jokes and perform them on stage – and then hire me later on when you’re making some money. It’s like a shareware version of a personal comedy writer.

Every Thursday morning an automated machine will post here all my tweeted jokes. So YES, if you’re a mail subscribed, you’ll be spammed by this blog every week from now on, instead of every two or three months.

I’ll try to keep it SFW, so jokes like “Lindsay Lohan’s tears in court were so sincere, for a moment, I didn’t feel like beating her stupid face with a dried horse dick.” didn’t make the cut while “My skin is so white, when someone takes a picture of me they’re the ones blinded by the flash” did make it. If you want dried penis horse jokes or watermelon sodomy jokes, you’ll have to contact me personally.

Self-Back-Massage-Man Looks Like Stewie Griffin

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In YouTube news today, a clever old man promotes his self back massage video by forming Stewie Griffin with his arms and back.

how my girlfriend searches for cars

So my girlfriends decides we need a car, this is how she searches for it…

(click to enlarge>

In the end we haven’t picked a car yet, but at least my post made reddit.com front page! With a little research you can find my reddit account, feel free to pm me to say hi!

WordPress: Add a goddamn “update all plugins” button

Maybe it’s because I only post on this blog every three months but it really shits me to have to update 16 plugins one by one everytime I login into my wordpress account.

If something of that sort already exists, please someone point it out to me and I’ll be shamed forever…

Weird, useless yet awesome talent

Another talented man makes it in my top list of people I admire. This guy is just awesome in too may ways to describe in my modest blog.

In other news a stupid jerkoff jerkface cop gave me a ticket today for rollerskating in the street – and I’m not even doing cool tricks or damaging property, just using it as a way of transportation. The guy tells me “it’s dangerous, there are drunk drivers at this time of night” – so he gives ME a ticket because there are drunk drivers on the street! Since I’m a very mature person and a great artist I drew this dramatization of the situation.

5 Ways to save a hot dog up a girl’s… (word that also means cat)

At first I found it amusing, but then I realized ranking so high on this query might in fact be endangering innocent women. Women who are frantically trying to google a way out of their unfortunate situation only to end up on a totally irrelevant post about a woman and her kazoo.

Having at heart the safety of women, I decided to do an extensive research on the subject (mainly by googling “saving a hot dog up a girl’s pussy”) and present my groundbreaking work here.

Before starting, here are a few things people recommend you shouldn’t do:

Do not use a steak knife: In general people seem strongly opposed that idea, most likely because the ratio of atrocious pain to hot dog removal is not very appealing to the woman involved.

Do not push it further inside: In most cases, pushing it further in makes it harder to retrieve.

Do not ask your dad/uncle/grandfather to remove it: You’re probably better off just keeping the hot dog there than dealing with the emotional scarring of having a male sibling helping you out.

Now that you know what not to do, here are the proper way taking care of it:

1. Squat and Push Squat with your legs apart and push with your insides. 2. Use Chopsticks Chopsticks are longer and slimmer than regular fingers so you can reach deeper and have less of a chance to push it further. 3. Pour down lube Just add tons of lube so as to make it easier to go out, then you can try the squat and push method. 4. Jump up and down with legs apart Keep your legs as apart as possible while you jump and land on your heels to give that hot dog the maximum amount of force. 5. Go to hospital If everything else fails, go to the hospital, have it removed, then change your name and move away as far as possible.

Best way to get a raise

By the way, I’ve added the digg button cause I’m so desperate to retire out of this crap site but I’m switching to reddit cause I hate that stupid toolbar. If you’re a toolbar fanboy, feel free to leave hateful comments and subscribe to my blog so you can check out later if I acknowledged your comment.

[edit: WTF happened to the stupid toolbar? I just went on digg and it's not there anymore, that just ruined my whole rant about the toolbar! Damn you digg, always so attentive to my needs.]

OMG Bleach = Loituma LOL

So today I figured out the Loituma girl is actually a character from super mega hit TV show “Bleach”. For a second I though I just discovered something huge, but a quick google search quickly crushed my elaborate hopes for fame and fortune.

So even though this is not news, it is news to me so screw you all, I can write whatever crap I want on my stupid crap blog.

On a side note, while watching the Bleach episode I noticed that the original Loituma video doesn’t do justice to the absolutely massive jugs that girl owns, so I’m including here an alternate version that does them justice.
For those of you who don’t know here’s the original video:

Here’s another version, where you can appreciate the massive knockers:

And here’s the actual Bleach video.