So I got angry at my printer today and wrote the thing below and posted it on reddit. Seems like I’m not the only who totally hates printers. So I thought it would be only fair to my blog to actually repost it here too. Posting every 6 months has become hard to keep up with so I’m recycling stuff I post on reddit.
Also, what’s up with all the ads on my blog, I don’t remember putting so many on. To be investigated at some point in the next six months.
So here’s the premium version of my post, for my blog readers’ eyes only:
SUCCESS! I just figured how to make the printer cancel a printing job!
I just figured it out and since I’m probably not the only one in the situation, I thought it would be a good idea to share. The trick is to follow these 10 steps as soon as you realize you must cancel a print job:
1. Push the cancel button 5-6 times really quickly.
2. Go in printer setting and click “Pause” printer, then “Cancel” job, then “Delete” job, then uninstall printer.
3. At this point, the printer should still be printing so remove all the paper in the tray to make sure it can’t print anymore.
4. Turn Off Printer
5. Restart Computer
6. Turn On Printer, put the papers you already printed in the tray so as not to waste paper.
7. At this point the printer will restart printing anywhere from 10 pages up to the entire document you started printing so go back to step #6 every time you run out of paper in the tray.
8. At this point, the reuse of the paper will make the printer jam and temporarily stop the printing process.
9. Turn printer off again, and unplug it.
10. Bring it to the backyard and smash it into pieces with your bare knuckles while tears stream down your cheeks.
Another talented man makes it in my top list of people I admire. This guy is just awesome in too may ways to describe in my modest blog.
In other news a stupid jerkoff jerkface cop gave me a ticket today for rollerskating in the street – and I’m not even doing cool tricks or damaging property, just using it as a way of transportation. The guy tells me “it’s dangerous, there are drunk drivers at this time of night” – so he gives ME a ticket because there are drunk drivers on the street! Since I’m a very mature person and a great artist I drew this dramatization of the situation.
The conversation went something like this:
Cop: Hey you roller skating fairy, what the fuck?!
Me: I’m not a fairy sir, I’m a man.
Cop: shut up, I’ll give you a ticket for skating like a fairy you fairy!
Me: But… But…
Cop: Mouahahahahha! Feels great to be a jerkoff jerkface!
Me: *starts crying and poops his pants*
So I was checking out google webmaster tools to see if I was still kicking ass at keyword “dolphin crap” (which I still am) when I noticed something quite astonishing – somehow all mighty google ranks one of my posts 7th on the query “saving a hot dog up a girl’s pussy”.
At first I found it amusing, but then I realized ranking so high on this query might in fact be endangering innocent women. Women who are frantically trying to google a way out of their unfortunate situation only to end up on a totally irrelevant post about a woman and her kazoo.
Having at heart the safety of women, I decided to do an extensive research on the subject (mainly by googling “saving a hot dog up a girl’s pussy”) and present my groundbreaking work here.
Before starting, here are a few things people recommend you shouldn’t do:
Do not use a steak knife: In general people seem strongly opposed that idea, most likely because the ratio of atrocious pain to hot dog removal is not very appealing to the woman involved.
Do not push it further inside: In most cases, pushing it further in makes it harder to retrieve.
Do not ask your dad/uncle/grandfather to remove it: You’re probably better off just keeping the hot dog there than dealing with the emotional scarring of having a male sibling helping you out.
Now that you know what not to do, here are the proper way taking care of it:
1. Squat and Push
Squat with your legs apart and push with your insides.
2. Use Chopsticks
Chopsticks are longer and slimmer than regular fingers so you can reach deeper and have less of a chance to push it further.
3. Pour down lube Just add tons of lube so as to make it easier to go out, then you can try the squat and push method.
4. Jump up and down with legs apart Keep your legs as apart as possible while you jump and land on your heels to give that hot dog the maximum amount of force.
5. Go to hospital If everything else fails, go to the hospital, have it removed, then change your name and move away as far as possible.
If you’re looking to blackmail someone, this would be the perfect way to go about it.
Notice the guy at about 1:00 – he looks like that’s not the first time that happens to him.
By the way, I’ve added the digg button cause I’m so desperate to retire out of this crap site but I’m switching to reddit cause I hate that stupid toolbar. If you’re a toolbar fanboy, feel free to leave hateful comments and subscribe to my blog so you can check out later if I acknowledged your comment.
[edit: WTF happened to the stupid toolbar? I just went on digg and it's not there anymore, that just ruined my whole rant about the toolbar! Damn you digg, always so attentive to my needs.]
So today I figured out the Loituma girl is actually a character from super mega hit TV show “Bleach”. For a second I though I just discovered something huge, but a quick google search quickly crushed my elaborate hopes for fame and fortune.
So even though this is not news, it is news to me so screw you all, I can write whatever crap I want on my stupid crap blog.
On a side note, while watching the Bleach episode I noticed that the original Loituma video doesn’t do justice to the absolutely massive jugs that girl owns, so I’m including here an alternate version that does them justice.
For those of you who don’t know here’s the original video:
Here’s another version, where you can appreciate the massive knockers:
Anything is possible, except flying; traveling in time; turning lead to gold; moving things with your mind; seeing or talking to ghosts, leprechauns, the yeti, Xenu, God, Fred Flintstone, Andrea Merkel, Santa, Sgt Lollypop, the toilet monster; holding your breath for over twenty three minutes; throwing the first stone.